an open letter to myself
by CRIM3S
Summary: Ste's in rehab after Brendan's death just basically goes through their whole relationship and w/e


**This is going to be a long term fic, I suffered a writer's block but I tried to fit some shit in here. It'll be mostly from Steven's P.O.V but It'll have flashbacks of Brendan and whatever but yeah this chapters shit but enjoy and please review! I'll post the next chapter as soon as possible.**

"Steven, why are you here?"

"Ste. Please, call me Ste"

"But Steven's your name"

I felt the anger rise inside me, anymore of this shit and I'm going to fucking explode.

"I know It's my fucking name, I just don't want you to call me it"

"And why is that?"

Thoughts of him came rushing through my head

"_I love you, Steven. That's what I didn't tell ye, I love ye"_

"_Because I love ye, cause I can't live my life without ye. I love ye Steven."_

"Because that's what he used to call me"

"Who is he?"

"Brendan."

I felt the tears start to build in my eyes.

"Who is Brendan?" she asked staring at me intently, god I wish she'd stop fucking doing that.

I just stared at her expressionless; I can't talk about him yet. I'm not ready. I can't face hearing that line. That stupid fucking line.

"_I'm so sorry for your loss"_

I don't want you to be sorry. Sorry isn't going to bring him back. Brendan's the one that should be sorry. No more than sorry, he should be tearing himself up inside for leaving me alone, to face everything on my own. You're a fucking idiot right Brendan, always getting into some shit.

"Stev... I mean Ste. Who's Brendan?" she continued staring at me.

I swallowed and faced the wall.

"He's my... He was me boyfriend" my voice was barely audible. Don't fucking cry Ste, you promised yourself you wouldn't cry over him anymore

"What do you mean was Ste?"

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, held back the tears took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Brendan he was me boyfriend, the love of me life. He died about two months ago, got shot by 14 snipers. His own fault really, getting involved with the wrong people" I dropped my eyes to the floor and tried to block out all memories of that night

"I'm sorry for your loss" and there is was that famous fucking line. I stood up and threw my chair at the wall

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW HIM NO ONE KNEW BRENDAN LIKE I DID YOU SHOULDN'T BE SORRY BECAUSE BRENDAN WAS AN ARSE HOLE A COMPLETELY FUCKING ARSE HOLE. ASK ANY FUCKING BODY! HE'S A SELFISH PRICK. HE FUCKING LEFT ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM THE MOST. OKAY HE LEFT ME SO PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY OK. SORRY ISN'T GOING TO BRING HIM BACK!"

Petunia, I think that was her name just stared at me, she didn't speak a word, she didn't react she just stared at me.

"Please, sit down" she finally said after what felt like eternity.

I sighed and walked over to my chair and sat on it.

"I'm sorry"

"It's fine Steven I'm here to listen to you"

"I told you not to call me that"

"ok ok, I'm sorry"

It was silent for almost 10 minutes before she finally spoke.

"tell me about Brendan"

I felt tears well up in my eyes again. She wants me to talk about Brendan, but I can't. I'm not ready.

"No" I replied

"Please Ste, it might help. Sometimes we need to remember the good things to forget the bad"

I felt my body sink as I began talking

"Brendan. I don't even know how to explain him, he was the single most best shag I've ever had. He had the fittest body, the biggest cock and these blue eyes you'd just get lost in. He has the gorgeous Irish accent and those stupid fucking tattoo's. His chest hair was uncontrollable but I liked it. I liked played with it after we fucked. That tash that gave me fucking tache rash but I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Everything about Brendan was perfect. Being with him was like being on a fucking rollercoaster, there was good days and bad days. Brendan Brady was a complete fucking idiot that liked to get into fights and liked to prove that he was the man, he was so fucking frustrating there were days right when I wanted to kill him. But underneath all that bad boy act he was the most amazing person, he let his guard down with me. He showed me a side that no one has ever seen before and right he made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, he's probably turnin in his grave at that but it's true. He changed me life for ever, and I miss him more and more each day"

Petunia just stayed silent and then smiled

"Very good Ste, we're making serious progress here. Ok, now I want you to tell me why you started using drugs"

"because it felt like the only way I could escape the sadness and the loneliness right, I had no job, no kids, no Brendan, I was fucking anything that moved and I took a 17 year olds virginity because I wanted to feel something. Anything but sadness, I want to convince people I was ok but most of all I wanted to convince myself I was ok"

"And drugs helped you do that?"

"The drugs made me feel alive. Young and free like I didn't have a single care in the world. The moment I injected that needle I didn't feel anything anymore, I didn't miss him. It's like being in the most comfortable state of mind ever but you can't really think"

"And how do you feel when you're not on it Steven?"

I stared at her for a long moment and then I spoke

"How do I feel? Well, I feel like I'm alone in a boat, in the middle of a lake. There's fog all around and I can't see the shore. I hear the faint whispers of the world around me but I can't follow the sound, nor can I make out what is being said. I'm motionless and frightened but I have no energy to put the oar into the water to escape the situation. I just sit there hoping the fog will clear. I want someone to find me, grab me up and lift me out of it but I am powerless to call out for help, I can't raise my arm should a hand become extended to me. Tears stream down my face but I don't sob. Sobbing is too strenuous. When the fog does clear, I paddle to shore, exhausted and raw. It's another day before I can actually truly reach civization and live again."

That felt good to get off my chest, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Petunia smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back. Wow, the first smile I've done in ages.

She looked over at the time and told me our session was over, so I left her room and went outside for a fag. My fix will be due soon and for the first time since I came to rehab, I felt like I didn't need it. I flicked my fag and walked back to my room. I took the photo out from underneath my pillow and stroked over Brendan's face. Dublin, how I'd love to go back.

I didn't cry I just smiled and whispered "I love you Bren"

I laid down on my bed staring at the photo until sleep finally took over and I dreamt of Brendan, and it that moment it felt like everything were going to be alright.


End file.
